Posts Tagged ‘unemployment’

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2008 #1 – Top 5 World Changing Events

December 21, 2008
Yes, it’s that time of year again, to reflect, mourn and shudder at the year’s events. I will be looking at 2008 in a number of ways, over these last 10 days of the year. Here is the first installment. Enjoy!

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down. 😦

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.


4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS.    DOMINUS.

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

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Super Gordon Saves the World

December 10, 2008

Well one of the things about the English is that, supposedly, we are quite humble, polite people; with of course the exception of the swathes of people who listen to ‘da hip-hip moosik’ and wear “caps n ‘oodies” whilst running around shopping centres after dark going “brup brup!”

But I mean our adults, they are pretty humble right. Well seems our Prime Minister disagrees.

In Prime Ministers Questions this week, Gordon Brown declared “We have saved the world”. Check it here.

So. Since Gordon has saved your sorry little ass, you better read on to find out how he did it.

Cutting VAT by 2.5%

Genius. At least that’s what Gordon will tell you. I actually found an envelope, which on the back I found the mathematical and economical basis of this decision, which the government announced recently, which sees EVERYTHING in the ENTIRE country get 2.5% cheaper.

Recession = Unemployment = Less money = Less spending = Less Jobs = Less Money

Ergo

Recession = Unemployment = Less money BUT + approx £12.5billion of money diverted away from the treasury back into the pockets of the consumer = Everything is going to be fine and the people will be demanding for a statue of me in Trafalgar Square.

Problem

£12.5 billion! That’s alot. I could definitely get a PS3 with that, which would be sweet. But, how does Gordon Brown know that’s how much money the economy needs? Uh oh, he doesn’t.

Thanks to knutjobs.com!

Thanks to knutjobs.com!

But that’s just an arbitary point really, the real point is that the £12.5billion isn’t something Gordon found behind the sofa in Number 10. Nope. It’s just tax. Which Gordon isn’t going to take. The money isn’t really being pumped into the economy at all, it’s just not being sucked out.

So it’s a random amount of money and it’s not even being pumped in. But the ultimate error is Gordon has already spent the £12.5billion because he was pretty sure he was actually going to suck it out.

So the £12.5billion which isn’t being sucked out has already been spent, so instead Gordon is borrowing £12.5billion so the bailiffs don’t come to the Commons and rip out that lovely green trim they have going on there.

So, Gordon’s VAT cut is him not sucking out £12.5billion from the economy, but just sucking it from somewhere else. But we’ll have to pay them back. And we’ll have to pay them back around £20billion, because of interest.

So Gordon Brown has mortgaged the country for no reason, causing our currency to crash to record lows, as most investors in the UK have decided to all collectively fuck off very quickly,  making all our stuff cheap for the entire world to enjoy. With that deflationary event, the rest of the world can ride out the recession as Britain returns to being the sweatshop of the world.

And that’s how Gordon saved the world.