The beginning of a short series I shall be running after neglecting my blog for awhile due a lack of inspiration.
Seriously I Hate You! Series - Article 1
The plan: Choose a topic (the theme being my disgust for said topic) and then write. Then submit. No spellcheck. No readingthrough. Just raw, uncensored hate. Apologies for the inevitable language. Dickface.
People with Clipboards
(Also known as charity muggers, chuggers and cunts)
OK. So you’ve either seen them haven’t you? They are like a damn plague. People in the street who appear out of nowhere infront of you and want you to answer “just a few questions”
Double Team Action
On one road in every town or city on weekends, there are hundreds of strategically and cunningly placed hippy students wearing matching waterproof coats and clipboards representing these various charities. It’s like playing Call of Bloody Duty trying to dodge their evil, Nazi bullets which are demanding your money. Except instead of actual Nazi’s, it’s just a swarm of stuck-up rich kids trying to look poor and pretending that what they are doing has a strong influence on the world.
So then your nightmare happens. You get caught by one. First thing they say – “Hello there mate” WHAT! YOU AREN’T MY FUCKING MATE YOU COKE SNORTING WHORE.
Then they ask if you would like to pledge £2 to save the native sparrow or help old people who are dying or to help buy more tissues for the dribbly ones in wheelchairs. Try to escape but you can’t! They have some traction device and keep you rooted to the spot as everyone else walks by, glad this freak is tied up with you and whispering “sucker” under their breath folowed by laughter. Only to get caught themselves. Ha.
The people who do this though? A thousand piercings (check), Woolly Hat? (check). Smell of cannabis (Check). Far too much enthusiasm for their job (Check).
These people are students but how many normal student would be willing to do this? They must all be Christians too due to the fact that they all have crucifix’s round their necks and the fact they can appear so happy when they should really be comtemplating suicide.
The cure? – Tell them to fuck off – I’ve been trying this recently and it really does work. Unfortunatly, it does make you look a bit of a prick if someone says, how do you feel about the plight of your fellow man in the third world and your reply is ‘leave me alone you cockmunching harlot’.
My new approach. Always carry a stick. A firm swipe across the face should do it. Now lets see them invade my personal space.
Stumble It!
A Smith in England 