Posts Tagged ‘terrorism’

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George Bush is Shoe Ducking Secret Ninja

December 15, 2008

Who’d have thought it!

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

8 years of the world thinking the most influential and powerful man in the entire world is a stupid good-for-nothing jackass and with just a month to go he reveals himself to be a secret ninja.

The event at which George Bush was forced to finally reveal his ninja skills was unplanned. A journalist at a press conference in Baghdad today hurled his shoes as Bush, proclaiming in Arabic “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.” Which is pretty cool actually, I like him, someone give him a chat show.

Bush’s dodge to the first shoe revealed his undoubted talent for ninja-ism. Seriously, look at that strafe and duck – not bad for a man who never actually made it to Vietnam despite being signed up.

After his successful dodging of both items of footwear, the cameras were cut and Bush kicked the guys arse before he’d even realised it had happened.

Bush has declared once he has finished his White House paperwork, he will go and sort out the Somalian pirates currently holding many ships hostage in Africa, including a tanker with $100million of oil.

“Ninjas and pirates have a long and bitter history” Bush said. “I’m going to totally fuck them up. Don’t think I’m not serious. I think I’ve proved in the last 8 years I really will do anything for oil”

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No News Is, Actually Quite Annoying

November 29, 2008

Ah Terrorism.

Finally something to talk about.

Have you noticed that recently? November has been possibly one of the most uneventful months ever in the history of news. Obviously, that statement is absolute bollocks because of the absolutely monstrous blemish of Obamamania and the corresponding election, which is an event which will inevitably resonate throughout history for at least awhile to come.

But putting that aside, and the hype and excitement and four hundred thousand column inches, what actually has happened? I must have read dozens of articles about the Obama family puppy – seriously, what the fuck. The reason for such journalistic repetitiveness is that since then, nothing has actually happened in the ENTIRE world.

We all got excited in the middle of the month about Pirates, probably highlights the lameness of this month in news stories. Front page material across the national news? Not really. Any normal month it would be tucked away on page 30 as a little ‘light hearted piece going aww look at the ickle pirates trying to get randsom money, aww they is so cuuuute!”. Instead, desperate for some story to sensationialise the Daily Mail went with; WARNING! GIANT FLOATING BOMB!. Idiots.

Anyway, the only other event deemed newsworthy was the whole Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross/Manuel incident. Which was ridiculous. This is pretty much what happened.

Russell Brand (RB): Hello, and welcome to my show on BBC Radio Two. Today I will be joined by Jonathon Ross.

Jonathon Ross
(JR): Yes, it’s me. I know, I’m on fucking everything aren’t I.

RB: Anyway. I don’t know if your aware of this Jonny, but you know that guy from Fawlty Towers?

JR: John Cleese?

RB: No you lisping cheesedick, the waiter – Manuel.

JR: Oh yeah, the guy played by Andrew Sachs

RB: Andrew Sachs? What the fuck? What an obscure actor.

JR: Well it’s disrespectful to call him ‘Manuel’, actors should be called by their real names not the characters they play. They don’t like it

RB: Well he should have had a better fucking career then shouldn’t he. Andrew Sachs! Are you being fucking serious?

None of that actually happened, but I think it’s a fair point. I don’t care about Andrew Sachs. I DO care about Manuel. Cater to the audience national media, please.

Anyway, this is what basically happened.


RB. Anyway, the Manuel guy from Fawlty Towers.

JR: Andrew Sachs.

RB: Fuck off Ross, jesus fucking christ, you just never shut the fuck up do you. Why are you even here? This is my fucking radio show. You have your OWN fucking show on this very same fucking station. Why do you have to be on some form of communication media constantly. If you not chatting arse on the radio, then you’re sprawled all over our televisions on your shitty chat show, or on Film 2008, where you try and pretend

a) you are a serious film journalist which is frankly laughable because on your chat show all you ever do is make jokes about your dick and your shit hair

Shit Hair

Shit Hair

b) that you actually have watched the film you are talking about, which you obviously haven’t because goddamn it, I have never heard such pathetic generic descriptions which are then passed off as a review in all my life.

A typical way you describe a film is “The film flows from beginning to end, punctuated with comedy and drama”. Basically, you read on the poster that it was a comedy drama didn’t you, and then bullshitted your way to a sixty second review of it. Your full of shit Ross. Full of it.

JR: Uh, I’m still getting paid for this appearance right?

Okay, so none of that happened either, but someone really should point these things out to Ross sooner rather than later. I mean, he’s not bad at what he does, but he seriously needs to fuck off ab it and get out of the nations front rooms and definitely stop trying to do serious shows like Film 2008, or even worse that fucking absolutely retarded show he did about Asia? I mean, what the fuck does he know about Asia? Fuck all, that’s what.

Anyway, what ACTUALLY DID happen was something like the following:

RB: So Manuel,

JR: Andrew Sachs

RB: Seriously, shut the fuck up now Ross. Anyway, he has a grand-daughter, and I totally fucked her.

JR: lol

RB: Yeah, she’s a total slut, and she took it up the pooper and everything

JR; lol, me and my wife had sex in 2004. It was totally awesome.

RB: Yeah, anyway, Manuel’s grand daughter is a slag.

End result, 25,000 complaints. Brand resigns. Ross suspended for three months. A part of me is glad he will fuck off for abit but I know when he comes back, he’ll be omnipresent once again, and that makes me mildly upset. And all because they had the cheek to call this girl a slag. What terrible lies….

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

CS