Posts Tagged ‘pirates’

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2008 #1 – Top 5 World Changing Events

December 21, 2008
Yes, it’s that time of year again, to reflect, mourn and shudder at the year’s events. I will be looking at 2008 in a number of ways, over these last 10 days of the year. Here is the first installment. Enjoy!

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down. 😦

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.


4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS.    DOMINUS.

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

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No News Is, Actually Quite Annoying

November 29, 2008

Ah Terrorism.

Finally something to talk about.

Have you noticed that recently? November has been possibly one of the most uneventful months ever in the history of news. Obviously, that statement is absolute bollocks because of the absolutely monstrous blemish of Obamamania and the corresponding election, which is an event which will inevitably resonate throughout history for at least awhile to come.

But putting that aside, and the hype and excitement and four hundred thousand column inches, what actually has happened? I must have read dozens of articles about the Obama family puppy – seriously, what the fuck. The reason for such journalistic repetitiveness is that since then, nothing has actually happened in the ENTIRE world.

We all got excited in the middle of the month about Pirates, probably highlights the lameness of this month in news stories. Front page material across the national news? Not really. Any normal month it would be tucked away on page 30 as a little ‘light hearted piece going aww look at the ickle pirates trying to get randsom money, aww they is so cuuuute!”. Instead, desperate for some story to sensationialise the Daily Mail went with; WARNING! GIANT FLOATING BOMB!. Idiots.

Anyway, the only other event deemed newsworthy was the whole Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross/Manuel incident. Which was ridiculous. This is pretty much what happened.

Russell Brand (RB): Hello, and welcome to my show on BBC Radio Two. Today I will be joined by Jonathon Ross.

Jonathon Ross
(JR): Yes, it’s me. I know, I’m on fucking everything aren’t I.

RB: Anyway. I don’t know if your aware of this Jonny, but you know that guy from Fawlty Towers?

JR: John Cleese?

RB: No you lisping cheesedick, the waiter – Manuel.

JR: Oh yeah, the guy played by Andrew Sachs

RB: Andrew Sachs? What the fuck? What an obscure actor.

JR: Well it’s disrespectful to call him ‘Manuel’, actors should be called by their real names not the characters they play. They don’t like it

RB: Well he should have had a better fucking career then shouldn’t he. Andrew Sachs! Are you being fucking serious?

None of that actually happened, but I think it’s a fair point. I don’t care about Andrew Sachs. I DO care about Manuel. Cater to the audience national media, please.

Anyway, this is what basically happened.


RB. Anyway, the Manuel guy from Fawlty Towers.

JR: Andrew Sachs.

RB: Fuck off Ross, jesus fucking christ, you just never shut the fuck up do you. Why are you even here? This is my fucking radio show. You have your OWN fucking show on this very same fucking station. Why do you have to be on some form of communication media constantly. If you not chatting arse on the radio, then you’re sprawled all over our televisions on your shitty chat show, or on Film 2008, where you try and pretend

a) you are a serious film journalist which is frankly laughable because on your chat show all you ever do is make jokes about your dick and your shit hair

Shit Hair

Shit Hair

b) that you actually have watched the film you are talking about, which you obviously haven’t because goddamn it, I have never heard such pathetic generic descriptions which are then passed off as a review in all my life.

A typical way you describe a film is “The film flows from beginning to end, punctuated with comedy and drama”. Basically, you read on the poster that it was a comedy drama didn’t you, and then bullshitted your way to a sixty second review of it. Your full of shit Ross. Full of it.

JR: Uh, I’m still getting paid for this appearance right?

Okay, so none of that happened either, but someone really should point these things out to Ross sooner rather than later. I mean, he’s not bad at what he does, but he seriously needs to fuck off ab it and get out of the nations front rooms and definitely stop trying to do serious shows like Film 2008, or even worse that fucking absolutely retarded show he did about Asia? I mean, what the fuck does he know about Asia? Fuck all, that’s what.

Anyway, what ACTUALLY DID happen was something like the following:

RB: So Manuel,

JR: Andrew Sachs

RB: Seriously, shut the fuck up now Ross. Anyway, he has a grand-daughter, and I totally fucked her.

JR: lol

RB: Yeah, she’s a total slut, and she took it up the pooper and everything

JR; lol, me and my wife had sex in 2004. It was totally awesome.

RB: Yeah, anyway, Manuel’s grand daughter is a slag.

End result, 25,000 complaints. Brand resigns. Ross suspended for three months. A part of me is glad he will fuck off for abit but I know when he comes back, he’ll be omnipresent once again, and that makes me mildly upset. And all because they had the cheek to call this girl a slag. What terrible lies….

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

CS