Posts Tagged ‘funny’

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DEATHstakes

January 11, 2009

A game for all the family!


Gather round, gather round. It’s the start of a new and exciting year – 2009 to be precise. What will happen over the next 12 months? Hopefully something exciting. But one inevitability is that this year, people will die. 😦 I know, quite a depressing thought. So, to lighten the whole mood up, I present to you ‘DEATHstakes 2009!’

The rules are simple. You and some friends pick some of the names on this list. And if they die, you win the corresponding number of points (to a maximum of 3). At the end of the year, whoever has the most points wins!

The prize should be determined in advance. You must have at least 2 players, so you will need to have at least one friend. However, you can have upto 30 players (one pick per person!) Picks can be made in a variety of ways – taking turns to pick, out of a hat, fighting, wrestling and theft. But once the picks have been finalised they cannot be traded.

Everyone on this list is there for a reason (I.e. there’s a reason they might die soon), and their adjacent points correspond to the likeliness of this happening

So come on, round up some friends, make your picks and play DEATHstakes 2009! You know it makes sense.

Advanced Rules:

You may also make your own picks, called ‘wildcards’. You can have as many of these as you wish, but the number must be approved by all playing, everyone must have the same number and they must be picked at the same time. No picking a ‘wildcard’ in March when you find out someone has lung cancer! Naughty. All ‘wildcards’ are only worth one point.

Deaths are only valid if the person dies in 2009. If the person happens to die on the 31st of December, and there are arguments about it being 2010 in Australia and so it doesn’t count, then it is the timezone in which they die that should be used. Furthermore, if someone is taken seriously ill, yet is not pronounced dead until January 1st, this does NOT count. If unsure, ask for a copy of their death certificate, which will have time of death on it. Easy no?

What counts as ‘death’?

Confirmation of death should come from a reputable news source, such as the BBC, CNN or The Big Issue. Terminal illnesses do NOT count until the terminal part happens. Comas do NOT count. Being dependant on a life support machine does NOT count. These people must be properly dead, cold and smelly and everything.

Furthermore, should anyone fake their death and this is discovered, points which have been awarded must be deducted. However, conspiracy theories and bullshit rumours such as the one about Hitler being alive in Columbia do NOT count as proof for a points reversal. Again, a reputable source is required.

Theoretically, should you actually become so serious about this game that you murder one of your picks, the points will count. However, I seriously discourage this idea because it’s kinda cheating.

The List:

Patrick Swayze – 0.1
Seve Ballesteros – 0.25
Owen Wilson – 0.5
Bruce Forsythe – 1
Ming Campbell – 1
Robert Mugabe – 1
Mick Jagger – 1
John McCain – 1
Nelson Mandela – 1
Stephen Hawking – 1
Muhammad Ali – 1
Liza Minelli – 1
Hugh Hefner – 1.5
George Michael – 2
Geoffrey Boycott – 2
Courtney Love – 2
Ozzy Osbourne – 2
OJ Simpson – 2
Amy Winehouse – 2
Sean Connery – 2.5
The Queen – 2.5
Axl Rose – 2.5
The Yorkshire Ripper (Peter Sutcliffe) – 3
Britney Spears – 3
Steve Jobs – 3
Vern Troyer (Mini Me) – 3
Pete Doherty – 3
Barack Obama – 3
Michael Jackson – 3
50 Cent – 3

Enjoy!

Got your own suggestions! Comment below!

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Tom Tom Cruise

December 17, 2008
Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a girl

Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a
lesbian

Tom Cruise.

A man.

(A short one)

A husband.

(Thrice)

A father

(Thrice)

A Scientologist

(Retard)

Did I mention short?

(Like really short, seriously)

A lil’ bit gay

(Quite alot, but he’s bagged some fine ladies to compensate)

And an Actor

(Just)

But now, he may have finally proven there’s nothing that he can’t do, as Tom Cruise plans to release a personally branded satellite navigation system for ships and ocean-liners.

The system will have a big red button which will help ships contact the emergency services, in exchange for a heafty donation to the Church of Scientology. It will also contain most of Cruise’s back catalogue of films to help entertain/distract sailors and passengers alike. At least for a minute until they realise how shit all his films are.

In other news, Valkyrie (his new film) is utterly terrible.

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Nativity Scene is INACCURATE, Claims Expert

December 5, 2008

The classic scene of the baby Jesus, born in a stable and surrounded by Mary and Joseph, loving visitors and farmyard animals is inaccurate, according to a leading Christian Scholar.

Reverend Dan Browne has put forward his alternative, refined nativity scene, which is based on recently unearthed primary sources and records, to coincide with this years festival celebrations and hopes to change the way people conceptualise the coming of the lord.

Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

Dan Brown: "Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

“I want to de construct the current myth of Christmas” said Browne, in an exclusive interview. “Firstly, the heroism of the ‘little donkey’, who ‘carried Mary, safely on her way’ is a popular part of the nativity story. However, for a little donkey to carry a heavily pregnant woman from Nazareth to Bethlehem (approximately 70 miles) is obviously absurd; realistically, within a few hours, little donkey would have become a little dead.

“Secondly”, claims Browne, “there were no three wise men following yonder star, but it likely that their were three drunk vagabonds, attracted by the sparkly lights of the stable and the screaming due to Mary’s birth pains. They most likely wanted to touch the baby for good luck and possibly because, like many homeless and scary people, they like the smell of newborn babies”.

Browne also reveals that the shepherds, who were told to go to see the baby Jesus by the Angel Gabriel, were most likely just cattle-rustlers, who were alarmed after breaking into yet another Bethlehem barn, to find not cattle but the Messiah.

“It’s surprising, if not shocking stuff I know” concludes Browne. “But hey, the whole thing centres around a virgin giving birth to the son of God, so good luck calling bullshit on it”.

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J-Low

December 2, 2008

J-Low

(

I'm just so saaad 😦 And naked.

Jennifer Lopez has announced that she is to enter rehab for depression. “I’ve been feeling down for a while. I think with everything going on I’ve forgotten that I’m just, I’m just Jenny from the block, who used to have a lil’ now I have a lot – no matter where I go I know where I came from”.

The world continues to not care about her life.

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No News Is, Actually Quite Annoying

November 29, 2008

Ah Terrorism.

Finally something to talk about.

Have you noticed that recently? November has been possibly one of the most uneventful months ever in the history of news. Obviously, that statement is absolute bollocks because of the absolutely monstrous blemish of Obamamania and the corresponding election, which is an event which will inevitably resonate throughout history for at least awhile to come.

But putting that aside, and the hype and excitement and four hundred thousand column inches, what actually has happened? I must have read dozens of articles about the Obama family puppy – seriously, what the fuck. The reason for such journalistic repetitiveness is that since then, nothing has actually happened in the ENTIRE world.

We all got excited in the middle of the month about Pirates, probably highlights the lameness of this month in news stories. Front page material across the national news? Not really. Any normal month it would be tucked away on page 30 as a little ‘light hearted piece going aww look at the ickle pirates trying to get randsom money, aww they is so cuuuute!”. Instead, desperate for some story to sensationialise the Daily Mail went with; WARNING! GIANT FLOATING BOMB!. Idiots.

Anyway, the only other event deemed newsworthy was the whole Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross/Manuel incident. Which was ridiculous. This is pretty much what happened.

Russell Brand (RB): Hello, and welcome to my show on BBC Radio Two. Today I will be joined by Jonathon Ross.

Jonathon Ross
(JR): Yes, it’s me. I know, I’m on fucking everything aren’t I.

RB: Anyway. I don’t know if your aware of this Jonny, but you know that guy from Fawlty Towers?

JR: John Cleese?

RB: No you lisping cheesedick, the waiter – Manuel.

JR: Oh yeah, the guy played by Andrew Sachs

RB: Andrew Sachs? What the fuck? What an obscure actor.

JR: Well it’s disrespectful to call him ‘Manuel’, actors should be called by their real names not the characters they play. They don’t like it

RB: Well he should have had a better fucking career then shouldn’t he. Andrew Sachs! Are you being fucking serious?

None of that actually happened, but I think it’s a fair point. I don’t care about Andrew Sachs. I DO care about Manuel. Cater to the audience national media, please.

Anyway, this is what basically happened.


RB. Anyway, the Manuel guy from Fawlty Towers.

JR: Andrew Sachs.

RB: Fuck off Ross, jesus fucking christ, you just never shut the fuck up do you. Why are you even here? This is my fucking radio show. You have your OWN fucking show on this very same fucking station. Why do you have to be on some form of communication media constantly. If you not chatting arse on the radio, then you’re sprawled all over our televisions on your shitty chat show, or on Film 2008, where you try and pretend

a) you are a serious film journalist which is frankly laughable because on your chat show all you ever do is make jokes about your dick and your shit hair

Shit Hair

Shit Hair

b) that you actually have watched the film you are talking about, which you obviously haven’t because goddamn it, I have never heard such pathetic generic descriptions which are then passed off as a review in all my life.

A typical way you describe a film is “The film flows from beginning to end, punctuated with comedy and drama”. Basically, you read on the poster that it was a comedy drama didn’t you, and then bullshitted your way to a sixty second review of it. Your full of shit Ross. Full of it.

JR: Uh, I’m still getting paid for this appearance right?

Okay, so none of that happened either, but someone really should point these things out to Ross sooner rather than later. I mean, he’s not bad at what he does, but he seriously needs to fuck off ab it and get out of the nations front rooms and definitely stop trying to do serious shows like Film 2008, or even worse that fucking absolutely retarded show he did about Asia? I mean, what the fuck does he know about Asia? Fuck all, that’s what.

Anyway, what ACTUALLY DID happen was something like the following:

RB: So Manuel,

JR: Andrew Sachs

RB: Seriously, shut the fuck up now Ross. Anyway, he has a grand-daughter, and I totally fucked her.

JR: lol

RB: Yeah, she’s a total slut, and she took it up the pooper and everything

JR; lol, me and my wife had sex in 2004. It was totally awesome.

RB: Yeah, anyway, Manuel’s grand daughter is a slag.

End result, 25,000 complaints. Brand resigns. Ross suspended for three months. A part of me is glad he will fuck off for abit but I know when he comes back, he’ll be omnipresent once again, and that makes me mildly upset. And all because they had the cheek to call this girl a slag. What terrible lies….

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

CS