Posts Tagged ‘awful’

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Top 5 Things to Forget About 2008

December 29, 2008

Top 5 Things to Forget About 2008

5.  Britney’s Comeback

I like big butts and I cannot lie, but seriously you're taking the piss

I think the world was a slightly more interesting, and also morally superior place, when Britney was the laughing stock of celebrity culture, barred from seeing her kids, in rehab for alcohol, depression and anger pretty much simultaneously and with her career obliterated into teeny tiny little shards of despair.

But no, to get her career back, they just hauled her into a studio, got her to sing a dozen terrible, generic songs written on the backs of beermats by the pop music industries song writing sweatshop – a conglomerate full of one hit wonders, washed up songwriters from previous decades, and anyone and everyone else the music industry has consumed, prostituted and spat out into a pit of boiling oil and the body fluids of the EMI, Warner, Sony and Universal senior boards.

I fucking hate the music industry.

Anyway, Britney came back, but she might as well have not bothered. Although the world unfortunately contains enough idiots to automatically buy things just because of someones face being plastered on it, such things are inevitable. But let it be consigned to the past, much like Michael Jackson’s comeback a few years ago has snuck out of the memory of most, due to how awful it was and the distracting number of jokes about him sleeping with kiddies.

4. Indiana Jones 4

I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

This was also one of my Top 5 world Changing Events of 2008, see for more info.

In case you can’t be fucked to click, I’ll keep it short, it is 2008’s shining example of how we increasingly live in a world driven by a desire for easy living in place of hard work. Why make a new film concept when we can whore out this old, successful one. Because it makes you a dickhead. And it makes the world a worse place.

Let’s hope Indiana is written into the annals of time to be a trilogy, and no more.

3. Heather Mills McCartney
Seriously, the quicker history consigns Heather Mills (no longer McCartney) to a dusty and forgotten neverland, the better. The woman has reminded the entire world that stupid bitches do very much so still exist  and that satan does have a bride.

To marry a man, put your legs behind your head and take it from a Beatle for two years and then demand £40 million pounds makes her essentially, little more than an expensive whore. This is despite the fact due to a hilarious accident which possibly reveals the existence of either karma or a benevolent God, she had one of her legs blown off. If sticking her legs behind her head was all she did, she’s been getting away with doing just half the work of a usual, uncrippled prostitute, yet still walked away with one of the largest court settlements ever. Cheeky bitch!

Attached Video Evidence:

Both of these are well worth your time should you wish to laugh some more at Heather,

2. The country of Iceland

Who?

If your thinking, who? Then you’re doing well and anticipating the arc of history.

Iceland is a small icy (no shit) island in Europe, which according to Atlas.com, is like quite abit up from Scotland and left abit from Norway.

Anyway, Iceland will probably soon be something forgotten from our collective consciousness. To be honest, its abit out the way and incredibly shit, so if we just ignored it for a few years, it probably would just disappear and be rubbed off our maps. More importantly though, it is the most exposed economy in the world regarding the global credit crunch – it turns out every Icelandic bank had taken all its customers money and then pissed it down a drain.

So hilariously screwed is the Icelandic economy, the only ever semi-famous person from Iceland – singer Bjork, is now leading the economic recovery. Yes. Seriously. Check here.

Expect 2008 to be the last time you here of poor little Iceland. For they will be forgotten. That or they will sell themselves to Russia to give them the Atlantic….

(oh yeah, Russia are going to take over the world pretty soon, but I haven’t blogged about it yet. Watch this space)

1. George Bush

It’s over!

Next month, he’ gone. Forever. Constitutional barred from returning.

2008 will be the last year George Bush pops up much at all I expect, unless he gets bored and starts doing news-worthy things like take drugs, use whores or promote any form of sensible, liberal politics.

With him finally out of the limelight, it means we can start to forget. And heal. From his savage raping of the world. Our bumhole may hurt for a few more years yet, but with time, things will get better, and we can begin to forget.

2008 will be defined by his replacement of course, but also his departure. Expect 2008 to be a line in history – the end of an era, a changing of the guard and the creation of a new time, age and zeitgeist.

The last year the world saw 12 months like that was probably 1979-1980 – with its parallel economic problems, social problems and changing politics. With 2008 behind us, let us march full speed ahead to 2009.

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2008 #1 – Top 5 World Changing Events

December 21, 2008
Yes, it’s that time of year again, to reflect, mourn and shudder at the year’s events. I will be looking at 2008 in a number of ways, over these last 10 days of the year. Here is the first installment. Enjoy!

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down. 😦

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.


4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS.    DOMINUS.

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

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Woolworths Worth Fuck All

November 30, 2008

Right then.

You might have noticed in my first real post yesterday that I introduced the piece talking about Terrorism in Mumbai, and then proceeded to completely ignore it. Well I’m going to do that again.
Woolworths, in the UK has gone into administration. (Don’t look for the link between Terrorism and Woolworths, I couldn’t be arsed to manipulate a limp dick of an excuse for one, and instead just dived straight in).

So administration. Why? Well, this is what has happened to Woolworth shares over the past two years.

Quite obviously, the ship was and is fucked then. And this is not without good reason. Woolworths must be one of the most pointless stores still in existence. It is usually however one of the largest shops on any high street, competing with large high end department stores, Marks & Spencers and of course Tesco’s. Yet, Woolworths is not in any of these leagues; it doesn’t sell small amounts of big expensive things, or vast amounts of small cheap things, it just sells a disappointing amount of wank.

This is the age-old Woolworths trading plan, with flaws helpfully pointed out:

Pick N Mix.

The pioneer of Pick N Mix was Woolies. You get a bag, fill it with whatever you want and then someone weighs it, and you pay. A remarkable scam, because no full grown adult, let alone an eight year old child knows how much a ‘lbs’ is, simply by the measurement of holding it in your hand.

So instead you get people going up to pay for their pick n mix before being told “That’s four hundred and eighteen pounds, sixy five pence please”, because they have failed to understand the concept of staying away from high density confectionery. Suckers.

On a related note, suckers, or gobstoppers are actually one of the worst value to density pick n mix performers.

Anyway, Pick N Mix then, is not a bad business venture, despite the fact most of it tastes like a mixture between dirt and rubber, but these days, you can grab yourself pick n mix everywhere – supermarkets, cinemas, Woolworths. Hang on.

Anyway, my point is, that Woolworths no longer have a monopoly on the whole pick n mix thing, and even so, you really don’t need stores that fucking huge to store sweets in. So what do they do with the rest of the space?

Kids Clothes

Oh dear. Do you remember when you were a kid, and you have that glorious stage of life of not being overly self aware. So your mother puts you in denim britches and matching socks, pulled up to the new, so you look like a dwarfish amateur golfer, but you just continue to toddle through your daily activities, unaware of the complete tit that you are.

However, there reaches a point, which is still relatively young, where simple, uneducated you realises that something is incredibly shitty. “Noooo, I don’t wanna wear it! I wanna wear Batman! BATMAN!”. I’m pretty sure I had this conversation with my mother as a child at least fourteen hundred times.

Anyway, the sort of clothes that even the simplistic and underdeveloped brain of a child can identify as being completely disgusting are the same type that Woolworths sell. And I use sell in the loosest term.

Over recent years, with supermarkets and of course Primark devouring the infant clothing market between them, not only are the nations children better dressed, but another nail was added to the Woolies coffin.

CDs and DVDs, Games and Books

Awesome. Everyone likes music and films right?  And video-games, that’ll really get the kids in. And books for the oldies. Great stuff. You could be onto a winner here then Woolies. So how did you fuck this one up.

1) Only stocking stuff that mindless idiots will purchase.

Woolworths idea of stocking music is simple. If it’s not currently in the Top 40, then obviously no-one likes it. And therefore will not buy it.

This is a serious flaw. Firstly, whilst the Top 40 chart may well indicate the best selling 40 cd’s (for example), compared to the remaining MILLIONS of cds on sale, it totals only a very small percentage in total music sales for any one week.

Therefore, Woolworths managed to wipe out 95% of the market in one retarded move.

2) Of course people will pay a premium for the Woolies brand!

In another genius masterstroke, Woolies priced themselves at a premium of about 10% to places like HMV, which offered much wider selections. Add the Internet to the mix, and Woolworths very quickly become a place you wouldn’t even bother doing a price comparison on, because you know they are not going to be cheap. They did discounts however – but only on shit that they spent at least a year trying to flog at £14.99. Once they realise after twelve months that they’ve only sold two copies, and one of them got returned, they cut the price to 99p and manage to sell another two copies – but only to groups of kids who just wanted the disc to play Frisbee. The madness between fluctuating between being a ripoff and being dirt-cheap means one thing – no-one actually buys anything, and will just buy stuff at sensible prices elsewhere.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

Shite

Shite! Probably the only thing that has kept woolies afloat in recent years has been the ability of rational and sane economic actors to buy absolute shite with their hard earned cash. It’s one of those economic phenomena that economists don’t like to talk about, but Woolies is the perfect case. Some of their top-end shite, includes lava lamps, crappy and expensive children’s toys made by small Asian children, mini fridges that cost £14 a second to run off household electricity and those really fucking annoying Christmas decorations like dancing Santa’s, singing Christmas trees and wanking snowmen (maybe not the last one).

Woolworths Cafe

If you’ve ever wondered where those grumpy old-fashioned school dinner ladies now work, then wonder no more. The Cafe was an idea introduced to get Woolworths to be an integral part of a days shopping. Spend a good hour getting lost amongst everything and then have lunch! Unfortunately, it turned out this would only work if your lovely day out intended to end up at A&E.
So there you have it. The failure of Woolworths is not because of the recession, or because of terrorism, or because of Tesco’s but because its shit. End of.

CS