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January 11, 2009

A game for all the family!

Gather round, gather round. It’s the start of a new and exciting year – 2009 to be precise. What will happen over the next 12 months? Hopefully something exciting. But one inevitability is that this year, people will die. 😦 I know, quite a depressing thought. So, to lighten the whole mood up, I present to you ‘DEATHstakes 2009!’

The rules are simple. You and some friends pick some of the names on this list. And if they die, you win the corresponding number of points (to a maximum of 3). At the end of the year, whoever has the most points wins!

The prize should be determined in advance. You must have at least 2 players, so you will need to have at least one friend. However, you can have upto 30 players (one pick per person!) Picks can be made in a variety of ways – taking turns to pick, out of a hat, fighting, wrestling and theft. But once the picks have been finalised they cannot be traded.

Everyone on this list is there for a reason (I.e. there’s a reason they might die soon), and their adjacent points correspond to the likeliness of this happening

So come on, round up some friends, make your picks and play DEATHstakes 2009! You know it makes sense.

Advanced Rules:

You may also make your own picks, called ‘wildcards’. You can have as many of these as you wish, but the number must be approved by all playing, everyone must have the same number and they must be picked at the same time. No picking a ‘wildcard’ in March when you find out someone has lung cancer! Naughty. All ‘wildcards’ are only worth one point.

Deaths are only valid if the person dies in 2009. If the person happens to die on the 31st of December, and there are arguments about it being 2010 in Australia and so it doesn’t count, then it is the timezone in which they die that should be used. Furthermore, if someone is taken seriously ill, yet is not pronounced dead until January 1st, this does NOT count. If unsure, ask for a copy of their death certificate, which will have time of death on it. Easy no?

What counts as ‘death’?

Confirmation of death should come from a reputable news source, such as the BBC, CNN or The Big Issue. Terminal illnesses do NOT count until the terminal part happens. Comas do NOT count. Being dependant on a life support machine does NOT count. These people must be properly dead, cold and smelly and everything.

Furthermore, should anyone fake their death and this is discovered, points which have been awarded must be deducted. However, conspiracy theories and bullshit rumours such as the one about Hitler being alive in Columbia do NOT count as proof for a points reversal. Again, a reputable source is required.

Theoretically, should you actually become so serious about this game that you murder one of your picks, the points will count. However, I seriously discourage this idea because it’s kinda cheating.

The List:

Patrick Swayze – 0.1
Seve Ballesteros – 0.25
Owen Wilson – 0.5
Bruce Forsythe – 1
Ming Campbell – 1
Robert Mugabe – 1
Mick Jagger – 1
John McCain – 1
Nelson Mandela – 1
Stephen Hawking – 1
Muhammad Ali – 1
Liza Minelli – 1
Hugh Hefner – 1.5
George Michael – 2
Geoffrey Boycott – 2
Courtney Love – 2
Ozzy Osbourne – 2
OJ Simpson – 2
Amy Winehouse – 2
Sean Connery – 2.5
The Queen – 2.5
Axl Rose – 2.5
The Yorkshire Ripper (Peter Sutcliffe) – 3
Britney Spears – 3
Steve Jobs – 3
Vern Troyer (Mini Me) – 3
Pete Doherty – 3
Barack Obama – 3
Michael Jackson – 3
50 Cent – 3


Got your own suggestions! Comment below!


Tom Tom Cruise

December 17, 2008
Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a girl

Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a

Tom Cruise.

A man.

(A short one)

A husband.


A father


A Scientologist


Did I mention short?

(Like really short, seriously)

A lil’ bit gay

(Quite alot, but he’s bagged some fine ladies to compensate)

And an Actor


But now, he may have finally proven there’s nothing that he can’t do, as Tom Cruise plans to release a personally branded satellite navigation system for ships and ocean-liners.

The system will have a big red button which will help ships contact the emergency services, in exchange for a heafty donation to the Church of Scientology. It will also contain most of Cruise’s back catalogue of films to help entertain/distract sailors and passengers alike. At least for a minute until they realise how shit all his films are.

In other news, Valkyrie (his new film) is utterly terrible.


George Bush is Shoe Ducking Secret Ninja

December 15, 2008

Who’d have thought it!

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

8 years of the world thinking the most influential and powerful man in the entire world is a stupid good-for-nothing jackass and with just a month to go he reveals himself to be a secret ninja.

The event at which George Bush was forced to finally reveal his ninja skills was unplanned. A journalist at a press conference in Baghdad today hurled his shoes as Bush, proclaiming in Arabic “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.” Which is pretty cool actually, I like him, someone give him a chat show.

Bush’s dodge to the first shoe revealed his undoubted talent for ninja-ism. Seriously, look at that strafe and duck – not bad for a man who never actually made it to Vietnam despite being signed up.

After his successful dodging of both items of footwear, the cameras were cut and Bush kicked the guys arse before he’d even realised it had happened.

Bush has declared once he has finished his White House paperwork, he will go and sort out the Somalian pirates currently holding many ships hostage in Africa, including a tanker with $100million of oil.

“Ninjas and pirates have a long and bitter history” Bush said. “I’m going to totally fuck them up. Don’t think I’m not serious. I think I’ve proved in the last 8 years I really will do anything for oil”


Entry #1

November 26, 2008

First Entry. How queer. Oh look I’m having a go at the gays only four words in, what a phenomenal achievement. I obviously mean queer as in bizarre or strange – just like my arse, homosexuals do not come into it.

With the use of the word arse in my first paragraph, you may be enlightened to the fact that I am English. Congratulations. No I don’t own a horse and I actually have a severe disliking for tea. So fuck your stereotyping.

Did you see how I presumed you weren’t English there? Obviously stereotyping in itself, making me a big fat fucking hypocrite only eight lines in – another impressive feat. Dammit. Anyway, I believe I am justified in my stereotype because there’s something about blogs which makes the English people incredibly disenchanted with them and the entire process. I mean, plenty of people have a flair for writing, communicating and humour in England, but I think the stumbling block we have encountered is that no-one really gives a shit about anything.

It’s true. Global recession. Our reaction? About fucking time. I mean, no recession in the UK for sixty quarters of economic growth? Just not on, even Guns N Roses tour more often than that.
Such mild retardedness aside, I have very little to say in this first entry. This is a reoccurring theme you may encounter – I very rarely do have anything to say, but regardless I shall try and keep this as updated as possible with mindless and irreverent twiddle.

Peace and Love


(P.S. For a brief background, see About)