Archive for the ‘Satirical News’ Category

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Smuggling Drugs – It’s just not Cricket!

December 9, 2008

Smuggling drugs is one of those strange things we all know is a bad idea, but at the same time, still seems reasonably sensible.

I know that doesn’t make sense but bare with me.

Smuggling drugs is bad because if you get caught, your totally fucked. And you get someone’s hand up your bum. Double lose.

What’s more, its not one of those crimes that can be classed as “white collar” or a moment of madness or greed like online fraud or stealing from the cash register. It means you went somewhere, bought a massive fucking pile of mind-exploding substances and then tried to take them somewhere else, with the intention of both getting totally blasted off your face and making a pretty penny at the same time.

But that is exactly why it seems such a good idea as well. What other crime can you make thousands and thousands of pounds simply by transporting something from one country to another? And what crime also promises that if you are successful, you can celebrate in face-melting style by using some of your cheap cheap ‘import’.

Why, I fancy doing some smuggling right now!

Unfortunatly for Chris Lewis, he obviously fell into this trap and got totally busted. With £200,000 of coke. Whoops.

Chris Lewis is a successful English Cricketer for those not in the know and whilst I’m sure he isn’t rich, he isn’t I’m sure by any definition ‘dirt-poor’ like most drug mules. Almost certainly the man has a serious white powder addiction and I’m not just saying that because he’s big and black. Not all big and black people have coke habits you know. Just look at Barack Obama. His dad didn’t.

But either way, cricket and drug smuggling is a bizarre clash of recreational activities – let’s hope Chris doesn’t spend the rest of his days being hit for six in Brixton showers.

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Nativity Scene is INACCURATE, Claims Expert

December 5, 2008

The classic scene of the baby Jesus, born in a stable and surrounded by Mary and Joseph, loving visitors and farmyard animals is inaccurate, according to a leading Christian Scholar.

Reverend Dan Browne has put forward his alternative, refined nativity scene, which is based on recently unearthed primary sources and records, to coincide with this years festival celebrations and hopes to change the way people conceptualise the coming of the lord.

Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

Dan Brown: "Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

“I want to de construct the current myth of Christmas” said Browne, in an exclusive interview. “Firstly, the heroism of the ‘little donkey’, who ‘carried Mary, safely on her way’ is a popular part of the nativity story. However, for a little donkey to carry a heavily pregnant woman from Nazareth to Bethlehem (approximately 70 miles) is obviously absurd; realistically, within a few hours, little donkey would have become a little dead.

“Secondly”, claims Browne, “there were no three wise men following yonder star, but it likely that their were three drunk vagabonds, attracted by the sparkly lights of the stable and the screaming due to Mary’s birth pains. They most likely wanted to touch the baby for good luck and possibly because, like many homeless and scary people, they like the smell of newborn babies”.

Browne also reveals that the shepherds, who were told to go to see the baby Jesus by the Angel Gabriel, were most likely just cattle-rustlers, who were alarmed after breaking into yet another Bethlehem barn, to find not cattle but the Messiah.

“It’s surprising, if not shocking stuff I know” concludes Browne. “But hey, the whole thing centres around a virgin giving birth to the son of God, so good luck calling bullshit on it”.

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J-Low

December 2, 2008

J-Low

(

I'm just so saaad 😦 And naked.

Jennifer Lopez has announced that she is to enter rehab for depression. “I’ve been feeling down for a while. I think with everything going on I’ve forgotten that I’m just, I’m just Jenny from the block, who used to have a lil’ now I have a lot – no matter where I go I know where I came from”.

The world continues to not care about her life.

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Jack in the Black Box

December 1, 2008

In an emotional broadcast, Jack Black has revealed he is actually of African-American descent. “I have that

Jack Kenywe Aki-Boue The Third

Jack Kenywe Aki-Boue The Third

thing that Michael Jackson has” revealed the comedy actor, and front-man of the band Tenacious D. “However, to crack it in the white world of Hollywood, I have kept it all a secret until my career was established; the only remaining clue being my surname”. Black went on to reveal he would now revert to his original name of Jack Kenywe-Aki-Boue. The Third.