Archive for November, 2008

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Woolworths Worth Fuck All

November 30, 2008

Right then.

You might have noticed in my first real post yesterday that I introduced the piece talking about Terrorism in Mumbai, and then proceeded to completely ignore it. Well I’m going to do that again.
Woolworths, in the UK has gone into administration. (Don’t look for the link between Terrorism and Woolworths, I couldn’t be arsed to manipulate a limp dick of an excuse for one, and instead just dived straight in).

So administration. Why? Well, this is what has happened to Woolworth shares over the past two years.

Quite obviously, the ship was and is fucked then. And this is not without good reason. Woolworths must be one of the most pointless stores still in existence. It is usually however one of the largest shops on any high street, competing with large high end department stores, Marks & Spencers and of course Tesco’s. Yet, Woolworths is not in any of these leagues; it doesn’t sell small amounts of big expensive things, or vast amounts of small cheap things, it just sells a disappointing amount of wank.

This is the age-old Woolworths trading plan, with flaws helpfully pointed out:

Pick N Mix.

The pioneer of Pick N Mix was Woolies. You get a bag, fill it with whatever you want and then someone weighs it, and you pay. A remarkable scam, because no full grown adult, let alone an eight year old child knows how much a ‘lbs’ is, simply by the measurement of holding it in your hand.

So instead you get people going up to pay for their pick n mix before being told “That’s four hundred and eighteen pounds, sixy five pence please”, because they have failed to understand the concept of staying away from high density confectionery. Suckers.

On a related note, suckers, or gobstoppers are actually one of the worst value to density pick n mix performers.

Anyway, Pick N Mix then, is not a bad business venture, despite the fact most of it tastes like a mixture between dirt and rubber, but these days, you can grab yourself pick n mix everywhere – supermarkets, cinemas, Woolworths. Hang on.

Anyway, my point is, that Woolworths no longer have a monopoly on the whole pick n mix thing, and even so, you really don’t need stores that fucking huge to store sweets in. So what do they do with the rest of the space?

Kids Clothes

Oh dear. Do you remember when you were a kid, and you have that glorious stage of life of not being overly self aware. So your mother puts you in denim britches and matching socks, pulled up to the new, so you look like a dwarfish amateur golfer, but you just continue to toddle through your daily activities, unaware of the complete tit that you are.

However, there reaches a point, which is still relatively young, where simple, uneducated you realises that something is incredibly shitty. “Noooo, I don’t wanna wear it! I wanna wear Batman! BATMAN!”. I’m pretty sure I had this conversation with my mother as a child at least fourteen hundred times.

Anyway, the sort of clothes that even the simplistic and underdeveloped brain of a child can identify as being completely disgusting are the same type that Woolworths sell. And I use sell in the loosest term.

Over recent years, with supermarkets and of course Primark devouring the infant clothing market between them, not only are the nations children better dressed, but another nail was added to the Woolies coffin.

CDs and DVDs, Games and Books

Awesome. Everyone likes music and films right?  And video-games, that’ll really get the kids in. And books for the oldies. Great stuff. You could be onto a winner here then Woolies. So how did you fuck this one up.

1) Only stocking stuff that mindless idiots will purchase.

Woolworths idea of stocking music is simple. If it’s not currently in the Top 40, then obviously no-one likes it. And therefore will not buy it.

This is a serious flaw. Firstly, whilst the Top 40 chart may well indicate the best selling 40 cd’s (for example), compared to the remaining MILLIONS of cds on sale, it totals only a very small percentage in total music sales for any one week.

Therefore, Woolworths managed to wipe out 95% of the market in one retarded move.

2) Of course people will pay a premium for the Woolies brand!

In another genius masterstroke, Woolies priced themselves at a premium of about 10% to places like HMV, which offered much wider selections. Add the Internet to the mix, and Woolworths very quickly become a place you wouldn’t even bother doing a price comparison on, because you know they are not going to be cheap. They did discounts however – but only on shit that they spent at least a year trying to flog at £14.99. Once they realise after twelve months that they’ve only sold two copies, and one of them got returned, they cut the price to 99p and manage to sell another two copies – but only to groups of kids who just wanted the disc to play Frisbee. The madness between fluctuating between being a ripoff and being dirt-cheap means one thing – no-one actually buys anything, and will just buy stuff at sensible prices elsewhere.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

Shite

Shite! Probably the only thing that has kept woolies afloat in recent years has been the ability of rational and sane economic actors to buy absolute shite with their hard earned cash. It’s one of those economic phenomena that economists don’t like to talk about, but Woolies is the perfect case. Some of their top-end shite, includes lava lamps, crappy and expensive children’s toys made by small Asian children, mini fridges that cost £14 a second to run off household electricity and those really fucking annoying Christmas decorations like dancing Santa’s, singing Christmas trees and wanking snowmen (maybe not the last one).

Woolworths Cafe

If you’ve ever wondered where those grumpy old-fashioned school dinner ladies now work, then wonder no more. The Cafe was an idea introduced to get Woolworths to be an integral part of a days shopping. Spend a good hour getting lost amongst everything and then have lunch! Unfortunately, it turned out this would only work if your lovely day out intended to end up at A&E.
So there you have it. The failure of Woolworths is not because of the recession, or because of terrorism, or because of Tesco’s but because its shit. End of.

CS

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No News Is, Actually Quite Annoying

November 29, 2008

Ah Terrorism.

Finally something to talk about.

Have you noticed that recently? November has been possibly one of the most uneventful months ever in the history of news. Obviously, that statement is absolute bollocks because of the absolutely monstrous blemish of Obamamania and the corresponding election, which is an event which will inevitably resonate throughout history for at least awhile to come.

But putting that aside, and the hype and excitement and four hundred thousand column inches, what actually has happened? I must have read dozens of articles about the Obama family puppy – seriously, what the fuck. The reason for such journalistic repetitiveness is that since then, nothing has actually happened in the ENTIRE world.

We all got excited in the middle of the month about Pirates, probably highlights the lameness of this month in news stories. Front page material across the national news? Not really. Any normal month it would be tucked away on page 30 as a little ‘light hearted piece going aww look at the ickle pirates trying to get randsom money, aww they is so cuuuute!”. Instead, desperate for some story to sensationialise the Daily Mail went with; WARNING! GIANT FLOATING BOMB!. Idiots.

Anyway, the only other event deemed newsworthy was the whole Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross/Manuel incident. Which was ridiculous. This is pretty much what happened.

Russell Brand (RB): Hello, and welcome to my show on BBC Radio Two. Today I will be joined by Jonathon Ross.

Jonathon Ross
(JR): Yes, it’s me. I know, I’m on fucking everything aren’t I.

RB: Anyway. I don’t know if your aware of this Jonny, but you know that guy from Fawlty Towers?

JR: John Cleese?

RB: No you lisping cheesedick, the waiter – Manuel.

JR: Oh yeah, the guy played by Andrew Sachs

RB: Andrew Sachs? What the fuck? What an obscure actor.

JR: Well it’s disrespectful to call him ‘Manuel’, actors should be called by their real names not the characters they play. They don’t like it

RB: Well he should have had a better fucking career then shouldn’t he. Andrew Sachs! Are you being fucking serious?

None of that actually happened, but I think it’s a fair point. I don’t care about Andrew Sachs. I DO care about Manuel. Cater to the audience national media, please.

Anyway, this is what basically happened.


RB. Anyway, the Manuel guy from Fawlty Towers.

JR: Andrew Sachs.

RB: Fuck off Ross, jesus fucking christ, you just never shut the fuck up do you. Why are you even here? This is my fucking radio show. You have your OWN fucking show on this very same fucking station. Why do you have to be on some form of communication media constantly. If you not chatting arse on the radio, then you’re sprawled all over our televisions on your shitty chat show, or on Film 2008, where you try and pretend

a) you are a serious film journalist which is frankly laughable because on your chat show all you ever do is make jokes about your dick and your shit hair

Shit Hair

Shit Hair

b) that you actually have watched the film you are talking about, which you obviously haven’t because goddamn it, I have never heard such pathetic generic descriptions which are then passed off as a review in all my life.

A typical way you describe a film is “The film flows from beginning to end, punctuated with comedy and drama”. Basically, you read on the poster that it was a comedy drama didn’t you, and then bullshitted your way to a sixty second review of it. Your full of shit Ross. Full of it.

JR: Uh, I’m still getting paid for this appearance right?

Okay, so none of that happened either, but someone really should point these things out to Ross sooner rather than later. I mean, he’s not bad at what he does, but he seriously needs to fuck off ab it and get out of the nations front rooms and definitely stop trying to do serious shows like Film 2008, or even worse that fucking absolutely retarded show he did about Asia? I mean, what the fuck does he know about Asia? Fuck all, that’s what.

Anyway, what ACTUALLY DID happen was something like the following:

RB: So Manuel,

JR: Andrew Sachs

RB: Seriously, shut the fuck up now Ross. Anyway, he has a grand-daughter, and I totally fucked her.

JR: lol

RB: Yeah, she’s a total slut, and she took it up the pooper and everything

JR; lol, me and my wife had sex in 2004. It was totally awesome.

RB: Yeah, anyway, Manuel’s grand daughter is a slag.

End result, 25,000 complaints. Brand resigns. Ross suspended for three months. A part of me is glad he will fuck off for abit but I know when he comes back, he’ll be omnipresent once again, and that makes me mildly upset. And all because they had the cheek to call this girl a slag. What terrible lies….

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

CS

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Entry #1

November 26, 2008

First Entry. How queer. Oh look I’m having a go at the gays only four words in, what a phenomenal achievement. I obviously mean queer as in bizarre or strange – just like my arse, homosexuals do not come into it.

With the use of the word arse in my first paragraph, you may be enlightened to the fact that I am English. Congratulations. No I don’t own a horse and I actually have a severe disliking for tea. So fuck your stereotyping.

Did you see how I presumed you weren’t English there? Obviously stereotyping in itself, making me a big fat fucking hypocrite only eight lines in – another impressive feat. Dammit. Anyway, I believe I am justified in my stereotype because there’s something about blogs which makes the English people incredibly disenchanted with them and the entire process. I mean, plenty of people have a flair for writing, communicating and humour in England, but I think the stumbling block we have encountered is that no-one really gives a shit about anything.

It’s true. Global recession. Our reaction? About fucking time. I mean, no recession in the UK for sixty quarters of economic growth? Just not on, even Guns N Roses tour more often than that.
Such mild retardedness aside, I have very little to say in this first entry. This is a reoccurring theme you may encounter – I very rarely do have anything to say, but regardless I shall try and keep this as updated as possible with mindless and irreverent twiddle.

Peace and Love

CS

(P.S. For a brief background, see About)