The beginning of a short series I shall be running after neglecting my blog for awhile due a lack of inspiration.

Seriously I Hate You! Series - Article 1

The plan: Choose a topic (the theme being my disgust for said topic) and then write. Then submit. No spellcheck. No readingthrough. Just raw, uncensored hate. Apologies for the inevitable language. Dickface.

People with Clipboards

(Also known as charity muggers, chuggers and cunts)

OK. So you’ve either seen them haven’t you? They are like a damn plague. People in the street who appear out of nowhere infront of you and want you to answer “just a few questions”

Double Team Action

On one road in every town or city on weekends, there are hundreds of strategically and cunningly placed hippy students wearing matching waterproof coats and clipboards representing these various charities. It’s like playing Call of Bloody Duty trying to dodge their evil, Nazi bullets which are demanding your money. Except instead of actual Nazi’s, it’s just a swarm of stuck-up rich kids trying to look poor and pretending that what they are doing has a strong influence on the world.

So then your nightmare happens. You get caught by one. First thing they say – “Hello there mate” WHAT! YOU AREN’T MY FUCKING MATE YOU COKE SNORTING WHORE.

Then they ask if you would like to pledge £2 to save the native sparrow or help old people who are dying or to help buy more tissues for the dribbly ones in wheelchairs. Try to escape but you can’t! They have some traction device and keep you rooted to the spot as everyone else walks by, glad this freak is tied up with you and whispering “sucker” under their breath folowed by laughter. Only to get caught themselves. Ha.

The people who do this though? A thousand piercings (check), Woolly Hat? (check). Smell of cannabis (Check). Far too much enthusiasm for their job (Check).

These people are students but how many normal student would be willing to do this? They must all be Christians too due to the fact that they all have crucifix’s round their necks and the fact they can appear so happy when they should really be comtemplating suicide.

The cure? – Tell them to fuck off – I’ve been trying this recently and it really does work. Unfortunatly, it does make you look a bit of a prick if someone says, how do you feel about the plight of your fellow man in the third world and your reply is ‘leave me alone you cockmunching harlot’.

My new approach. Always carry a stick. A firm swipe across the face should do it. Now lets see them invade my personal space.

Angry Rant #2 Coming Soon

Gather round, gather round. It’s the start of a new and exciting year – 2009 to be precise. What will happen over the next 12 months? Hopefully something exciting. But one inevitability is that this year, people will die. I know, quite a depressing thought. So, to lighten the whole mood up, I present to you ‘DEATHstakes 2009!’

The rules are simple. You and some friends pick some of the names on this list. And if they die, you win the corresponding number of points (to a maximum of 3). At the end of the year, whoever has the most points wins!

The prize should be determined in advance. You must have at least 2 players, so you will need to have at least one friend. However, you can have upto 30 players (one pick per person!) Picks can be made in a variety of ways – taking turns to pick, out of a hat, fighting, wrestling and theft. But once the picks have been finalised they cannot be traded.

Everyone on this list is there for a reason (I.e. there’s a reason they might die soon), and their adjacent points correspond to the likeliness of this happening

So come on, round up some friends, make your picks and play DEATHstakes 2009! You know it makes sense.

Advanced Rules:

You may also make your own picks, called ‘wildcards’. You can have as many of these as you wish, but the number must be approved by all playing, everyone must have the same number and they must be picked at the same time. No picking a ‘wildcard’ in March when you find out someone has lung cancer! Naughty. All ‘wildcards’ are only worth one point.

Deaths are only valid if the person dies in 2009. If the person happens to die on the 31st of December, and there are arguments about it being 2010 in Australia and so it doesn’t count, then it is the timezone in which they die that should be used. Furthermore, if someone is taken seriously ill, yet is not pronounced dead until January 1st, this does NOT count. If unsure, ask for a copy of their death certificate, which will have time of death on it. Easy no?

What counts as ‘death’?

Confirmation of death should come from a reputable news source, such as the BBC, CNN or The Big Issue. Terminal illnesses do NOT count until the terminal part happens. Comas do NOT count. Being dependant on a life support machine does NOT count. These people must be properly dead, cold and smelly and everything.

Furthermore, should anyone fake their death and this is discovered, points which have been awarded must be deducted. However, conspiracy theories and bullshit rumours such as the one about Hitler being alive in Columbia do NOT count as proof for a points reversal. Again, a reputable source is required.

Theoretically, should you actually become so serious about this game that you murder one of your picks, the points will count. However, I seriously discourage this idea because it’s kinda cheating.

The List:

Patrick Swayze – 0.1
Seve Ballesteros – 0.25
Owen Wilson – 0.5
Bruce Forsythe – 1
Ming Campbell – 1
Robert Mugabe – 1
Mick Jagger – 1
John McCain – 1
Nelson Mandela – 1
Stephen Hawking – 1
Muhammad Ali – 1
Liza Minelli – 1
Hugh Hefner – 1.5
George Michael – 2
Geoffrey Boycott – 2
Courtney Love – 2
Ozzy Osbourne – 2
OJ Simpson – 2
Amy Winehouse – 2
Sean Connery – 2.5
The Queen – 2.5
Axl Rose – 2.5
The Yorkshire Ripper (Peter Sutcliffe) – 3
Britney Spears – 3
Steve Jobs – 3
Vern Troyer (Mini Me) – 3
Pete Doherty – 3
Barack Obama – 3
Michael Jackson – 3
50 Cent – 3

Enjoy!

Got your own suggestions! Comment below!

5.  Britney’s Comeback

I like big butts and I cannot lie, but seriously you're taking the piss

I think the world was a slightly more interesting, and also morally superior place, when Britney was the laughing stock of celebrity culture, barred from seeing her kids, in rehab for alcohol, depression and anger pretty much simultaneously and with her career obliterated into teeny tiny little shards of despair.

But no, to get her career back, they just hauled her into a studio, got her to sing a dozen terrible, generic songs written on the backs of beermats by the pop music industries song writing sweatshop – a conglomerate full of one hit wonders, washed up songwriters from previous decades, and anyone and everyone else the music industry has consumed, prostituted and spat out into a pit of boiling oil and the body fluids of the EMI, Warner, Sony and Universal senior boards.

I fucking hate the music industry.

Anyway, Britney came back, but she might as well have not bothered. Although the world unfortunately contains enough idiots to automatically buy things just because of someones face being plastered on it, such things are inevitable. But let it be consigned to the past, much like Michael Jackson’s comeback a few years ago has snuck out of the memory of most, due to how awful it was and the distracting number of jokes about him sleeping with kiddies.

4. Indiana Jones 4

I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

This was also one of my Top 5 world Changing Events of 2008, see for more info.

In case you can’t be fucked to click, I’ll keep it short, it is 2008′s shining example of how we increasingly live in a world driven by a desire for easy living in place of hard work. Why make a new film concept when we can whore out this old, successful one. Because it makes you a dickhead. And it makes the world a worse place.

Let’s hope Indiana is written into the annals of time to be a trilogy, and no more.

3. Heather Mills McCartney
Seriously, the quicker history consigns Heather Mills (no longer McCartney) to a dusty and forgotten neverland, the better. The woman has reminded the entire world that stupid bitches do very much so still exist  and that satan does have a bride.

To marry a man, put your legs behind your head and take it from a Beatle for two years and then demand £40 million pounds makes her essentially, little more than an expensive whore. This is despite the fact due to a hilarious accident which possibly reveals the existence of either karma or a benevolent God, she had one of her legs blown off. If sticking her legs behind her head was all she did, she’s been getting away with doing just half the work of a usual, uncrippled prostitute, yet still walked away with one of the largest court settlements ever. Cheeky bitch!

Attached Video Evidence:

Both of these are well worth your time should you wish to laugh some more at Heather,

2. The country of Iceland

Who?

If your thinking, who? Then you’re doing well and anticipating the arc of history.

Iceland is a small icy (no shit) island in Europe, which according to Atlas.com, is like quite abit up from Scotland and left abit from Norway.

Anyway, Iceland will probably soon be something forgotten from our collective consciousness. To be honest, its abit out the way and incredibly shit, so if we just ignored it for a few years, it probably would just disappear and be rubbed off our maps. More importantly though, it is the most exposed economy in the world regarding the global credit crunch – it turns out every Icelandic bank had taken all its customers money and then pissed it down a drain.

So hilariously screwed is the Icelandic economy, the only ever semi-famous person from Iceland – singer Bjork, is now leading the economic recovery. Yes. Seriously. Check here.

Expect 2008 to be the last time you here of poor little Iceland. For they will be forgotten. That or they will sell themselves to Russia to give them the Atlantic….

(oh yeah, Russia are going to take over the world pretty soon, but I haven’t blogged about it yet. Watch this space)

1. George Bush

It’s over!

Next month, he’ gone. Forever. Constitutional barred from returning.

2008 will be the last year George Bush pops up much at all I expect, unless he gets bored and starts doing news-worthy things like take drugs, use whores or promote any form of sensible, liberal politics.

With him finally out of the limelight, it means we can start to forget. And heal. From his savage raping of the world. Our bumhole may hurt for a few more years yet, but with time, things will get better, and we can begin to forget.

2008 will be defined by his replacement of course, but also his departure. Expect 2008 to be a line in history – the end of an era, a changing of the guard and the creation of a new time, age and zeitgeist.

The last year the world saw 12 months like that was probably 1979-1980 – with its parallel economic problems, social problems and changing politics. With 2008 behind us, let us march full speed ahead to 2009.

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down.

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.

4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

Thanks - http://www.wallstats.com/

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a
lesbian

Tom Cruise.

A man.

(A short one)

A husband.

(Thrice)

A father

(Thrice)

A Scientologist

(Retard)

Did I mention short?

(Like really short, seriously)

A lil’ bit gay

(Quite alot, but he’s bagged some fine ladies to compensate)

And an Actor

(Just)

But now, he may have finally proven there’s nothing that he can’t do, as Tom Cruise plans to release a personally branded satellite navigation system for ships and ocean-liners.

The system will have a big red button which will help ships contact the emergency services, in exchange for a heafty donation to the Church of Scientology. It will also contain most of Cruise’s back catalogue of films to help entertain/distract sailors and passengers alike. At least for a minute until they realise how shit all his films are.

In other news, Valkyrie (his new film) is utterly terrible.

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

8 years of the world thinking the most influential and powerful man in the entire world is a stupid good-for-nothing jackass and with just a month to go he reveals himself to be a secret ninja.

The event at which George Bush was forced to finally reveal his ninja skills was unplanned. A journalist at a press conference in Baghdad today hurled his shoes as Bush, proclaiming in Arabic “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.” Which is pretty cool actually, I like him, someone give him a chat show.

Bush’s dodge to the first shoe revealed his undoubted talent for ninja-ism. Seriously, look at that strafe and duck – not bad for a man who never actually made it to Vietnam despite being signed up.

After his successful dodging of both items of footwear, the cameras were cut and Bush kicked the guys arse before he’d even realised it had happened.

Bush has declared once he has finished his White House paperwork, he will go and sort out the Somalian pirates currently holding many ships hostage in Africa, including a tanker with $100million of oil.

“Ninjas and pirates have a long and bitter history” Bush said. “I’m going to totally fuck them up. Don’t think I’m not serious. I think I’ve proved in the last 8 years I really will do anything for oil”

So basically all the banks lent loadsa money to people and businesses. And then realised that they needed to have some money themselves, so borrowed loadsa money from other banks. And they lent this too, to people and businesses. But they got re-payed by the people and businesses and so with this new money, they lent LOADS of money to people and businesses, and gave some to other banks who lent that money to other banks and people and businesses whilst borrowing from other banks.

Confused. Of course you are. Because that doesn’t make any sense. And that’s the version with interest rates, hedge funds and all that financial jargon stuff taken out.

So let me explain what actually happened.

The Credit Crunch Explained

So there are lots of banks. Who have lots of money. And this money is in suitcases.

(If your confused already, maybe your beyond hope, but otherwise, your 75% of the way already. Told you this would be easy.)

Loadsa Money

The banks lend people and businesses suitcases full of money and then (eventually, usually after some angry letters) they get their suitcase back. Banks also lend each other suitcases full of money. Generally this is all very happy; rabbits hop around in fields, birds sing in the trees and people are able to get huge personal loans to purchase vast quantities of illegal drugs. It’s a glorious, capitalist world.

However, one day, someone at one of the banks did something really fucking stupid.

In the corner, were a huge pile of suitcases, which contained of course, all the banks money and assets.

(On second thoughts, maybe they were in a safe. Actually, no, that’s bollocks, this is all metaphor anyway, I’m sticking with corner.)

Those suitcases were completely different from the ones the bank started with years ago as obviously, they had been on the happy capitalist merry-go-round, being lent and borrowed from people, businesses and other banks.

Anyway, that’s not a problem because the bank was pretty sure how much money it had, how much it’s assets were worth, what it’s loans were worth and so on.

But then, one fatal day which was probably a Tuesday (I hate Tuesdays), some idiot at the bank thought they had better actually do something because their job didn’t consist of doing anything except harassing customers when they walked in the front door. So he, or she, thought they’d have a quick check and so opened up a suitcase with a big £1million loan sign on it, only to find a half eaten sandwich and a copy of Razzle.

Finding out that something you think is worth £1million actually consists of some mouldy bread and some very suspicious looking stains on a titty mag is pretty upsetting, I’m sure you’ll agree. Much more upsetting was the fact that the girl (It was definitely a girl, the Garden of Eden analogy is too much of an open-goal for me not to shoot) opened a bunch more suitcases with similar tags on them, only to find a few pennies and a used pair of unisex underwear, at which point she immediatly reported to her superiors (who were men).

Shit

News spread and before long, another bank had opened up all their suitcases to find nothing but some dust and quite upsettingly a dead leprechaun (who even more upsetting, had no gold).

Before long, banks the world over began to realise that their big pile of suitcases worth $300billion dollars might be worth not $300billion dollars but absolutely fuck all.

And that, is how the whole financial meltdown started and why banks are refusing to lend anyone any money.

Gameshow Analogy

So, as I have shown, the credit crunch has been caused essentially because the banks have lost a massive game of Deal or No Deal.

You pick a load of suitcases and you cross your fucking fingers that they have something good inside.

The banks who picked some really shit suitcases, are the people who on Deal or No Deal end up going home with jackshit, much to the amusement of the nation.

However, when banks like Lehmann Brothers did it, it was slightly less amusing, because they have all your money. And it turns out that they have swapped it for a suitcase with a half eaten banana in it.

No wonder everyone fucking hates bankers.

But I mean our adults, they are pretty humble right. Well seems our Prime Minister disagrees.

In Prime Ministers Questions this week, Gordon Brown declared “We have saved the world”. Check it here.

So. Since Gordon has saved your sorry little ass, you better read on to find out how he did it.

Cutting VAT by 2.5%

Genius. At least that’s what Gordon will tell you. I actually found an envelope, which on the back I found the mathematical and economical basis of this decision, which the government announced recently, which sees EVERYTHING in the ENTIRE country get 2.5% cheaper.

Recession = Unemployment = Less money = Less spending = Less Jobs = Less Money

Ergo

Recession = Unemployment = Less money BUT + approx £12.5billion of money diverted away from the treasury back into the pockets of the consumer = Everything is going to be fine and the people will be demanding for a statue of me in Trafalgar Square.

Problem

£12.5 billion! That’s alot. I could definitely get a PS3 with that, which would be sweet. But, how does Gordon Brown know that’s how much money the economy needs? Uh oh, he doesn’t.

Thanks to knutjobs.com!

But that’s just an arbitary point really, the real point is that the £12.5billion isn’t something Gordon found behind the sofa in Number 10. Nope. It’s just tax. Which Gordon isn’t going to take. The money isn’t really being pumped into the economy at all, it’s just not being sucked out.

So it’s a random amount of money and it’s not even being pumped in. But the ultimate error is Gordon has already spent the £12.5billion because he was pretty sure he was actually going to suck it out.

So the £12.5billion which isn’t being sucked out has already been spent, so instead Gordon is borrowing £12.5billion so the bailiffs don’t come to the Commons and rip out that lovely green trim they have going on there.

So, Gordon’s VAT cut is him not sucking out £12.5billion from the economy, but just sucking it from somewhere else. But we’ll have to pay them back. And we’ll have to pay them back around £20billion, because of interest.

So Gordon Brown has mortgaged the country for no reason, causing our currency to crash to record lows, as most investors in the UK have decided to all collectively fuck off very quickly,  making all our stuff cheap for the entire world to enjoy. With that deflationary event, the rest of the world can ride out the recession as Britain returns to being the sweatshop of the world.

And that’s how Gordon saved the world.

I know that doesn’t make sense but bare with me.

Smuggling drugs is bad because if you get caught, your totally fucked. And you get someone’s hand up your bum. Double lose.

What’s more, its not one of those crimes that can be classed as “white collar” or a moment of madness or greed like online fraud or stealing from the cash register. It means you went somewhere, bought a massive fucking pile of mind-exploding substances and then tried to take them somewhere else, with the intention of both getting totally blasted off your face and making a pretty penny at the same time.

But that is exactly why it seems such a good idea as well. What other crime can you make thousands and thousands of pounds simply by transporting something from one country to another? And what crime also promises that if you are successful, you can celebrate in face-melting style by using some of your cheap cheap ‘import’.

Why, I fancy doing some smuggling right now!

Unfortunatly for Chris Lewis, he obviously fell into this trap and got totally busted. With £200,000 of coke. Whoops.

Chris Lewis is a successful English Cricketer for those not in the know and whilst I’m sure he isn’t rich, he isn’t I’m sure by any definition ‘dirt-poor’ like most drug mules. Almost certainly the man has a serious white powder addiction and I’m not just saying that because he’s big and black. Not all big and black people have coke habits you know. Just look at Barack Obama. His dad didn’t.

But either way, cricket and drug smuggling is a bizarre clash of recreational activities – let’s hope Chris doesn’t spend the rest of his days being hit for six in Brixton showers.

Reverend Dan Browne has put forward his alternative, refined nativity scene, which is based on recently unearthed primary sources and records, to coincide with this years festival celebrations and hopes to change the way people conceptualise the coming of the lord.

Dan Brown: "Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

“I want to de construct the current myth of Christmas” said Browne, in an exclusive interview. “Firstly, the heroism of the ‘little donkey’, who ‘carried Mary, safely on her way’ is a popular part of the nativity story. However, for a little donkey to carry a heavily pregnant woman from Nazareth to Bethlehem (approximately 70 miles) is obviously absurd; realistically, within a few hours, little donkey would have become a little dead.

“Secondly”, claims Browne, “there were no three wise men following yonder star, but it likely that their were three drunk vagabonds, attracted by the sparkly lights of the stable and the screaming due to Mary’s birth pains. They most likely wanted to touch the baby for good luck and possibly because, like many homeless and scary people, they like the smell of newborn babies”.

Browne also reveals that the shepherds, who were told to go to see the baby Jesus by the Angel Gabriel, were most likely just cattle-rustlers, who were alarmed after breaking into yet another Bethlehem barn, to find not cattle but the Messiah.

“It’s surprising, if not shocking stuff I know” concludes Browne. “But hey, the whole thing centres around a virgin giving birth to the son of God, so good luck calling bullshit on it”.