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DEATHstakes

January 11, 2009

A game for all the family!


Gather round, gather round. It’s the start of a new and exciting year – 2009 to be precise. What will happen over the next 12 months? Hopefully something exciting. But one inevitability is that this year, people will die. :( I know, quite a depressing thought. So, to lighten the whole mood up, I present to you ‘DEATHstakes 2009!’

The rules are simple. You and some friends pick some of the names on this list. And if they die, you win the corresponding number of points (to a maximum of 3). At the end of the year, whoever has the most points wins!

The prize should be determined in advance. You must have at least 2 players, so you will need to have at least one friend. However, you can have upto 30 players (one pick per person!) Picks can be made in a variety of ways – taking turns to pick, out of a hat, fighting, wrestling and theft. But once the picks have been finalised they cannot be traded.

Everyone on this list is there for a reason (I.e. there’s a reason they might die soon), and their adjacent points correspond to the likeliness of this happening

So come on, round up some friends, make your picks and play DEATHstakes 2009! You know it makes sense.

Advanced Rules:

You may also make your own picks, called ‘wildcards’. You can have as many of these as you wish, but the number must be approved by all playing, everyone must have the same number and they must be picked at the same time. No picking a ‘wildcard’ in March when you find out someone has lung cancer! Naughty. All ‘wildcards’ are only worth one point.

Deaths are only valid if the person dies in 2009. If the person happens to die on the 31st of December, and there are arguments about it being 2010 in Australia and so it doesn’t count, then it is the timezone in which they die that should be used. Furthermore, if someone is taken seriously ill, yet is not pronounced dead until January 1st, this does NOT count. If unsure, ask for a copy of their death certificate, which will have time of death on it. Easy no?

What counts as ‘death’?

Confirmation of death should come from a reputable news source, such as the BBC, CNN or The Big Issue. Terminal illnesses do NOT count until the terminal part happens. Comas do NOT count. Being dependant on a life support machine does NOT count. These people must be properly dead, cold and smelly and everything.

Furthermore, should anyone fake their death and this is discovered, points which have been awarded must be deducted. However, conspiracy theories and bullshit rumours such as the one about Hitler being alive in Columbia do NOT count as proof for a points reversal. Again, a reputable source is required.

Theoretically, should you actually become so serious about this game that you murder one of your picks, the points will count. However, I seriously discourage this idea because it’s kinda cheating.

The List:

Patrick Swayze – 0.1
Seve Ballesteros – 0.25
Owen Wilson – 0.5
Bruce Forsythe – 1
Ming Campbell – 1
Robert Mugabe – 1
Mick Jagger – 1
John McCain – 1
Nelson Mandela – 1
Stephen Hawking – 1
Muhammad Ali – 1
Liza Minelli – 1
Hugh Hefner – 1.5
George Michael – 2
Geoffrey Boycott – 2
Courtney Love – 2
Ozzy Osbourne – 2
OJ Simpson – 2
Amy Winehouse – 2
Sean Connery – 2.5
The Queen – 2.5
Axl Rose – 2.5
The Yorkshire Ripper (Peter Sutcliffe) – 3
Britney Spears – 3
Steve Jobs – 3
Vern Troyer (Mini Me) – 3
Pete Doherty – 3
Barack Obama – 3
Michael Jackson – 3
50 Cent – 3

Enjoy!

Got your own suggestions! Comment below!

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Top 5 Things to Forget About 2008

December 29, 2008

Top 5 Things to Forget About 2008

5.  Britney’s Comeback

I like big butts and I cannot lie, but seriously you're taking the piss

I think the world was a slightly more interesting, and also morally superior place, when Britney was the laughing stock of celebrity culture, barred from seeing her kids, in rehab for alcohol, depression and anger pretty much simultaneously and with her career obliterated into teeny tiny little shards of despair.

But no, to get her career back, they just hauled her into a studio, got her to sing a dozen terrible, generic songs written on the backs of beermats by the pop music industries song writing sweatshop – a conglomerate full of one hit wonders, washed up songwriters from previous decades, and anyone and everyone else the music industry has consumed, prostituted and spat out into a pit of boiling oil and the body fluids of the EMI, Warner, Sony and Universal senior boards.

I fucking hate the music industry.

Anyway, Britney came back, but she might as well have not bothered. Although the world unfortunately contains enough idiots to automatically buy things just because of someones face being plastered on it, such things are inevitable. But let it be consigned to the past, much like Michael Jackson’s comeback a few years ago has snuck out of the memory of most, due to how awful it was and the distracting number of jokes about him sleeping with kiddies.

4. Indiana Jones 4

I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

This was also one of my Top 5 world Changing Events of 2008, see for more info.

In case you can’t be fucked to click, I’ll keep it short, it is 2008′s shining example of how we increasingly live in a world driven by a desire for easy living in place of hard work. Why make a new film concept when we can whore out this old, successful one. Because it makes you a dickhead. And it makes the world a worse place.

Let’s hope Indiana is written into the annals of time to be a trilogy, and no more.

3. Heather Mills McCartney
Seriously, the quicker history consigns Heather Mills (no longer McCartney) to a dusty and forgotten neverland, the better. The woman has reminded the entire world that stupid bitches do very much so still exist  and that satan does have a bride.

To marry a man, put your legs behind your head and take it from a Beatle for two years and then demand £40 million pounds makes her essentially, little more than an expensive whore. This is despite the fact due to a hilarious accident which possibly reveals the existence of either karma or a benevolent God, she had one of her legs blown off. If sticking her legs behind her head was all she did, she’s been getting away with doing just half the work of a usual, uncrippled prostitute, yet still walked away with one of the largest court settlements ever. Cheeky bitch!

Attached Video Evidence:

Both of these are well worth your time should you wish to laugh some more at Heather,

2. The country of Iceland

Who?

If your thinking, who? Then you’re doing well and anticipating the arc of history.

Iceland is a small icy (no shit) island in Europe, which according to Atlas.com, is like quite abit up from Scotland and left abit from Norway.

Anyway, Iceland will probably soon be something forgotten from our collective consciousness. To be honest, its abit out the way and incredibly shit, so if we just ignored it for a few years, it probably would just disappear and be rubbed off our maps. More importantly though, it is the most exposed economy in the world regarding the global credit crunch – it turns out every Icelandic bank had taken all its customers money and then pissed it down a drain.

So hilariously screwed is the Icelandic economy, the only ever semi-famous person from Iceland – singer Bjork, is now leading the economic recovery. Yes. Seriously. Check here.

Expect 2008 to be the last time you here of poor little Iceland. For they will be forgotten. That or they will sell themselves to Russia to give them the Atlantic….

(oh yeah, Russia are going to take over the world pretty soon, but I haven’t blogged about it yet. Watch this space)

1. George Bush

It’s over!

Next month, he’ gone. Forever. Constitutional barred from returning.

2008 will be the last year George Bush pops up much at all I expect, unless he gets bored and starts doing news-worthy things like take drugs, use whores or promote any form of sensible, liberal politics.

With him finally out of the limelight, it means we can start to forget. And heal. From his savage raping of the world. Our bumhole may hurt for a few more years yet, but with time, things will get better, and we can begin to forget.

2008 will be defined by his replacement of course, but also his departure. Expect 2008 to be a line in history – the end of an era, a changing of the guard and the creation of a new time, age and zeitgeist.

The last year the world saw 12 months like that was probably 1979-1980 – with its parallel economic problems, social problems and changing politics. With 2008 behind us, let us march full speed ahead to 2009.

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2008 #1 – Top 5 World Changing Events

December 21, 2008
Yes, it’s that time of year again, to reflect, mourn and shudder at the year’s events. I will be looking at 2008 in a number of ways, over these last 10 days of the year. Here is the first installment. Enjoy!

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down. :(

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.


4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS.    DOMINUS.

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

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Tom Tom Cruise

December 17, 2008
Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a girl

Yes, I am well aware I have hair like a
lesbian

Tom Cruise.

A man.

(A short one)

A husband.

(Thrice)

A father

(Thrice)

A Scientologist

(Retard)

Did I mention short?

(Like really short, seriously)

A lil’ bit gay

(Quite alot, but he’s bagged some fine ladies to compensate)

And an Actor

(Just)

But now, he may have finally proven there’s nothing that he can’t do, as Tom Cruise plans to release a personally branded satellite navigation system for ships and ocean-liners.

The system will have a big red button which will help ships contact the emergency services, in exchange for a heafty donation to the Church of Scientology. It will also contain most of Cruise’s back catalogue of films to help entertain/distract sailors and passengers alike. At least for a minute until they realise how shit all his films are.

In other news, Valkyrie (his new film) is utterly terrible.

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George Bush is Shoe Ducking Secret Ninja

December 15, 2008

Who’d have thought it!

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

Ninja Bush, Ninja Bush, Does Whatever A Ninja Bush Does

8 years of the world thinking the most influential and powerful man in the entire world is a stupid good-for-nothing jackass and with just a month to go he reveals himself to be a secret ninja.

The event at which George Bush was forced to finally reveal his ninja skills was unplanned. A journalist at a press conference in Baghdad today hurled his shoes as Bush, proclaiming in Arabic “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.” Which is pretty cool actually, I like him, someone give him a chat show.

Bush’s dodge to the first shoe revealed his undoubted talent for ninja-ism. Seriously, look at that strafe and duck – not bad for a man who never actually made it to Vietnam despite being signed up.

After his successful dodging of both items of footwear, the cameras were cut and Bush kicked the guys arse before he’d even realised it had happened.

Bush has declared once he has finished his White House paperwork, he will go and sort out the Somalian pirates currently holding many ships hostage in Africa, including a tanker with $100million of oil.

“Ninjas and pirates have a long and bitter history” Bush said. “I’m going to totally fuck them up. Don’t think I’m not serious. I think I’ve proved in the last 8 years I really will do anything for oil”

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Super Gordon Saves the World

December 10, 2008

Well one of the things about the English is that, supposedly, we are quite humble, polite people; with of course the exception of the swathes of people who listen to ‘da hip-hip moosik’ and wear “caps n ‘oodies” whilst running around shopping centres after dark going “brup brup!”

But I mean our adults, they are pretty humble right. Well seems our Prime Minister disagrees.

In Prime Ministers Questions this week, Gordon Brown declared “We have saved the world”. Check it here.

So. Since Gordon has saved your sorry little ass, you better read on to find out how he did it.

Cutting VAT by 2.5%

Genius. At least that’s what Gordon will tell you. I actually found an envelope, which on the back I found the mathematical and economical basis of this decision, which the government announced recently, which sees EVERYTHING in the ENTIRE country get 2.5% cheaper.

Recession = Unemployment = Less money = Less spending = Less Jobs = Less Money

Ergo

Recession = Unemployment = Less money BUT + approx £12.5billion of money diverted away from the treasury back into the pockets of the consumer = Everything is going to be fine and the people will be demanding for a statue of me in Trafalgar Square.

Problem

£12.5 billion! That’s alot. I could definitely get a PS3 with that, which would be sweet. But, how does Gordon Brown know that’s how much money the economy needs? Uh oh, he doesn’t.

Thanks to knutjobs.com!

Thanks to knutjobs.com!

But that’s just an arbitary point really, the real point is that the £12.5billion isn’t something Gordon found behind the sofa in Number 10. Nope. It’s just tax. Which Gordon isn’t going to take. The money isn’t really being pumped into the economy at all, it’s just not being sucked out.

So it’s a random amount of money and it’s not even being pumped in. But the ultimate error is Gordon has already spent the £12.5billion because he was pretty sure he was actually going to suck it out.

So the £12.5billion which isn’t being sucked out has already been spent, so instead Gordon is borrowing £12.5billion so the bailiffs don’t come to the Commons and rip out that lovely green trim they have going on there.

So, Gordon’s VAT cut is him not sucking out £12.5billion from the economy, but just sucking it from somewhere else. But we’ll have to pay them back. And we’ll have to pay them back around £20billion, because of interest.

So Gordon Brown has mortgaged the country for no reason, causing our currency to crash to record lows, as most investors in the UK have decided to all collectively fuck off very quickly,  making all our stuff cheap for the entire world to enjoy. With that deflationary event, the rest of the world can ride out the recession as Britain returns to being the sweatshop of the world.

And that’s how Gordon saved the world.

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Smuggling Drugs – It’s just not Cricket!

December 9, 2008

Smuggling drugs is one of those strange things we all know is a bad idea, but at the same time, still seems reasonably sensible.

I know that doesn’t make sense but bare with me.

Smuggling drugs is bad because if you get caught, your totally fucked. And you get someone’s hand up your bum. Double lose.

What’s more, its not one of those crimes that can be classed as “white collar” or a moment of madness or greed like online fraud or stealing from the cash register. It means you went somewhere, bought a massive fucking pile of mind-exploding substances and then tried to take them somewhere else, with the intention of both getting totally blasted off your face and making a pretty penny at the same time.

But that is exactly why it seems such a good idea as well. What other crime can you make thousands and thousands of pounds simply by transporting something from one country to another? And what crime also promises that if you are successful, you can celebrate in face-melting style by using some of your cheap cheap ‘import’.

Why, I fancy doing some smuggling right now!

Unfortunatly for Chris Lewis, he obviously fell into this trap and got totally busted. With £200,000 of coke. Whoops.

Chris Lewis is a successful English Cricketer for those not in the know and whilst I’m sure he isn’t rich, he isn’t I’m sure by any definition ‘dirt-poor’ like most drug mules. Almost certainly the man has a serious white powder addiction and I’m not just saying that because he’s big and black. Not all big and black people have coke habits you know. Just look at Barack Obama. His dad didn’t.

But either way, cricket and drug smuggling is a bizarre clash of recreational activities – let’s hope Chris doesn’t spend the rest of his days being hit for six in Brixton showers.

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Nativity Scene is INACCURATE, Claims Expert

December 5, 2008

The classic scene of the baby Jesus, born in a stable and surrounded by Mary and Joseph, loving visitors and farmyard animals is inaccurate, according to a leading Christian Scholar.

Reverend Dan Browne has put forward his alternative, refined nativity scene, which is based on recently unearthed primary sources and records, to coincide with this years festival celebrations and hopes to change the way people conceptualise the coming of the lord.

Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

Dan Brown: "Scene incorrectly portrayed by the Bible

“I want to de construct the current myth of Christmas” said Browne, in an exclusive interview. “Firstly, the heroism of the ‘little donkey’, who ‘carried Mary, safely on her way’ is a popular part of the nativity story. However, for a little donkey to carry a heavily pregnant woman from Nazareth to Bethlehem (approximately 70 miles) is obviously absurd; realistically, within a few hours, little donkey would have become a little dead.

“Secondly”, claims Browne, “there were no three wise men following yonder star, but it likely that their were three drunk vagabonds, attracted by the sparkly lights of the stable and the screaming due to Mary’s birth pains. They most likely wanted to touch the baby for good luck and possibly because, like many homeless and scary people, they like the smell of newborn babies”.

Browne also reveals that the shepherds, who were told to go to see the baby Jesus by the Angel Gabriel, were most likely just cattle-rustlers, who were alarmed after breaking into yet another Bethlehem barn, to find not cattle but the Messiah.

“It’s surprising, if not shocking stuff I know” concludes Browne. “But hey, the whole thing centres around a virgin giving birth to the son of God, so good luck calling bullshit on it”.

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J-Low

December 2, 2008

J-Low

(

I'm just so saaad :( And naked.

Jennifer Lopez has announced that she is to enter rehab for depression. “I’ve been feeling down for a while. I think with everything going on I’ve forgotten that I’m just, I’m just Jenny from the block, who used to have a lil’ now I have a lot – no matter where I go I know where I came from”.

The world continues to not care about her life.

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Jack in the Black Box

December 1, 2008

In an emotional broadcast, Jack Black has revealed he is actually of African-American descent. “I have that

Jack Kenywe Aki-Boue The Third

Jack Kenywe Aki-Boue The Third

thing that Michael Jackson has” revealed the comedy actor, and front-man of the band Tenacious D. “However, to crack it in the white world of Hollywood, I have kept it all a secret until my career was established; the only remaining clue being my surname”. Black went on to reveal he would now revert to his original name of Jack Kenywe-Aki-Boue. The Third.

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Woolworths Worth Fuck All

November 30, 2008

Right then.

You might have noticed in my first real post yesterday that I introduced the piece talking about Terrorism in Mumbai, and then proceeded to completely ignore it. Well I’m going to do that again.
Woolworths, in the UK has gone into administration. (Don’t look for the link between Terrorism and Woolworths, I couldn’t be arsed to manipulate a limp dick of an excuse for one, and instead just dived straight in).

So administration. Why? Well, this is what has happened to Woolworth shares over the past two years.

Quite obviously, the ship was and is fucked then. And this is not without good reason. Woolworths must be one of the most pointless stores still in existence. It is usually however one of the largest shops on any high street, competing with large high end department stores, Marks & Spencers and of course Tesco’s. Yet, Woolworths is not in any of these leagues; it doesn’t sell small amounts of big expensive things, or vast amounts of small cheap things, it just sells a disappointing amount of wank.

This is the age-old Woolworths trading plan, with flaws helpfully pointed out:

Pick N Mix.

The pioneer of Pick N Mix was Woolies. You get a bag, fill it with whatever you want and then someone weighs it, and you pay. A remarkable scam, because no full grown adult, let alone an eight year old child knows how much a ‘lbs’ is, simply by the measurement of holding it in your hand.

So instead you get people going up to pay for their pick n mix before being told “That’s four hundred and eighteen pounds, sixy five pence please”, because they have failed to understand the concept of staying away from high density confectionery. Suckers.

On a related note, suckers, or gobstoppers are actually one of the worst value to density pick n mix performers.

Anyway, Pick N Mix then, is not a bad business venture, despite the fact most of it tastes like a mixture between dirt and rubber, but these days, you can grab yourself pick n mix everywhere – supermarkets, cinemas, Woolworths. Hang on.

Anyway, my point is, that Woolworths no longer have a monopoly on the whole pick n mix thing, and even so, you really don’t need stores that fucking huge to store sweets in. So what do they do with the rest of the space?

Kids Clothes

Oh dear. Do you remember when you were a kid, and you have that glorious stage of life of not being overly self aware. So your mother puts you in denim britches and matching socks, pulled up to the new, so you look like a dwarfish amateur golfer, but you just continue to toddle through your daily activities, unaware of the complete tit that you are.

However, there reaches a point, which is still relatively young, where simple, uneducated you realises that something is incredibly shitty. “Noooo, I don’t wanna wear it! I wanna wear Batman! BATMAN!”. I’m pretty sure I had this conversation with my mother as a child at least fourteen hundred times.

Anyway, the sort of clothes that even the simplistic and underdeveloped brain of a child can identify as being completely disgusting are the same type that Woolworths sell. And I use sell in the loosest term.

Over recent years, with supermarkets and of course Primark devouring the infant clothing market between them, not only are the nations children better dressed, but another nail was added to the Woolies coffin.

CDs and DVDs, Games and Books

Awesome. Everyone likes music and films right?  And video-games, that’ll really get the kids in. And books for the oldies. Great stuff. You could be onto a winner here then Woolies. So how did you fuck this one up.

1) Only stocking stuff that mindless idiots will purchase.

Woolworths idea of stocking music is simple. If it’s not currently in the Top 40, then obviously no-one likes it. And therefore will not buy it.

This is a serious flaw. Firstly, whilst the Top 40 chart may well indicate the best selling 40 cd’s (for example), compared to the remaining MILLIONS of cds on sale, it totals only a very small percentage in total music sales for any one week.

Therefore, Woolworths managed to wipe out 95% of the market in one retarded move.

2) Of course people will pay a premium for the Woolies brand!

In another genius masterstroke, Woolies priced themselves at a premium of about 10% to places like HMV, which offered much wider selections. Add the Internet to the mix, and Woolworths very quickly become a place you wouldn’t even bother doing a price comparison on, because you know they are not going to be cheap. They did discounts however – but only on shit that they spent at least a year trying to flog at £14.99. Once they realise after twelve months that they’ve only sold two copies, and one of them got returned, they cut the price to 99p and manage to sell another two copies – but only to groups of kids who just wanted the disc to play Frisbee. The madness between fluctuating between being a ripoff and being dirt-cheap means one thing – no-one actually buys anything, and will just buy stuff at sensible prices elsewhere.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

No. Actually worth fuck all.

Shite

Shite! Probably the only thing that has kept woolies afloat in recent years has been the ability of rational and sane economic actors to buy absolute shite with their hard earned cash. It’s one of those economic phenomena that economists don’t like to talk about, but Woolies is the perfect case. Some of their top-end shite, includes lava lamps, crappy and expensive children’s toys made by small Asian children, mini fridges that cost £14 a second to run off household electricity and those really fucking annoying Christmas decorations like dancing Santa’s, singing Christmas trees and wanking snowmen (maybe not the last one).

Woolworths Cafe

If you’ve ever wondered where those grumpy old-fashioned school dinner ladies now work, then wonder no more. The Cafe was an idea introduced to get Woolworths to be an integral part of a days shopping. Spend a good hour getting lost amongst everything and then have lunch! Unfortunately, it turned out this would only work if your lovely day out intended to end up at A&E.
So there you have it. The failure of Woolworths is not because of the recession, or because of terrorism, or because of Tesco’s but because its shit. End of.

CS

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No News Is, Actually Quite Annoying

November 29, 2008

Ah Terrorism.

Finally something to talk about.

Have you noticed that recently? November has been possibly one of the most uneventful months ever in the history of news. Obviously, that statement is absolute bollocks because of the absolutely monstrous blemish of Obamamania and the corresponding election, which is an event which will inevitably resonate throughout history for at least awhile to come.

But putting that aside, and the hype and excitement and four hundred thousand column inches, what actually has happened? I must have read dozens of articles about the Obama family puppy – seriously, what the fuck. The reason for such journalistic repetitiveness is that since then, nothing has actually happened in the ENTIRE world.

We all got excited in the middle of the month about Pirates, probably highlights the lameness of this month in news stories. Front page material across the national news? Not really. Any normal month it would be tucked away on page 30 as a little ‘light hearted piece going aww look at the ickle pirates trying to get randsom money, aww they is so cuuuute!”. Instead, desperate for some story to sensationialise the Daily Mail went with; WARNING! GIANT FLOATING BOMB!. Idiots.

Anyway, the only other event deemed newsworthy was the whole Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross/Manuel incident. Which was ridiculous. This is pretty much what happened.

Russell Brand (RB): Hello, and welcome to my show on BBC Radio Two. Today I will be joined by Jonathon Ross.

Jonathon Ross
(JR): Yes, it’s me. I know, I’m on fucking everything aren’t I.

RB: Anyway. I don’t know if your aware of this Jonny, but you know that guy from Fawlty Towers?

JR: John Cleese?

RB: No you lisping cheesedick, the waiter – Manuel.

JR: Oh yeah, the guy played by Andrew Sachs

RB: Andrew Sachs? What the fuck? What an obscure actor.

JR: Well it’s disrespectful to call him ‘Manuel’, actors should be called by their real names not the characters they play. They don’t like it

RB: Well he should have had a better fucking career then shouldn’t he. Andrew Sachs! Are you being fucking serious?

None of that actually happened, but I think it’s a fair point. I don’t care about Andrew Sachs. I DO care about Manuel. Cater to the audience national media, please.

Anyway, this is what basically happened.


RB. Anyway, the Manuel guy from Fawlty Towers.

JR: Andrew Sachs.

RB: Fuck off Ross, jesus fucking christ, you just never shut the fuck up do you. Why are you even here? This is my fucking radio show. You have your OWN fucking show on this very same fucking station. Why do you have to be on some form of communication media constantly. If you not chatting arse on the radio, then you’re sprawled all over our televisions on your shitty chat show, or on Film 2008, where you try and pretend

a) you are a serious film journalist which is frankly laughable because on your chat show all you ever do is make jokes about your dick and your shit hair

Shit Hair

Shit Hair

b) that you actually have watched the film you are talking about, which you obviously haven’t because goddamn it, I have never heard such pathetic generic descriptions which are then passed off as a review in all my life.

A typical way you describe a film is “The film flows from beginning to end, punctuated with comedy and drama”. Basically, you read on the poster that it was a comedy drama didn’t you, and then bullshitted your way to a sixty second review of it. Your full of shit Ross. Full of it.

JR: Uh, I’m still getting paid for this appearance right?

Okay, so none of that happened either, but someone really should point these things out to Ross sooner rather than later. I mean, he’s not bad at what he does, but he seriously needs to fuck off ab it and get out of the nations front rooms and definitely stop trying to do serious shows like Film 2008, or even worse that fucking absolutely retarded show he did about Asia? I mean, what the fuck does he know about Asia? Fuck all, that’s what.

Anyway, what ACTUALLY DID happen was something like the following:

RB: So Manuel,

JR: Andrew Sachs

RB: Seriously, shut the fuck up now Ross. Anyway, he has a grand-daughter, and I totally fucked her.

JR: lol

RB: Yeah, she’s a total slut, and she took it up the pooper and everything

JR; lol, me and my wife had sex in 2004. It was totally awesome.

RB: Yeah, anyway, Manuel’s grand daughter is a slag.

End result, 25,000 complaints. Brand resigns. Ross suspended for three months. A part of me is glad he will fuck off for abit but I know when he comes back, he’ll be omnipresent once again, and that makes me mildly upset. And all because they had the cheek to call this girl a slag. What terrible lies….

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

Calling this person a slut on radio is definitely worthy of 25,000 complaints.

CS

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